Incoherent Rantings

2:18 AM GMT+9:00, August 28, 2003, Tokyo, Japan

I get to thinking, in my alcohol induced haze, why people like alcohol so much. It's technically a poison that your body works very hard to get rid of, and some people are unable to really do much with it at all. Why is this? There are many explanations, but since I am still not quite sober, I won't go into them right now. I am not only not sober, I am very tired.

Drinking lowers inhibitions, and lets you talk about things you wouldn't talk about otherwise. In a sense, it lets you look at the real person under the facade we all put up every day. Is this a person we want to see? It's hard to say. But you definitely see other sides of people you wouldn't normally see.

I can't really go into more detail because I'm far too tired. Lesson: don't drink too much, or be prepared to face the consequences.

10:03 PM GMT+9:00, August 28, 2003, Tokyo, Japan

Entertaining people is hard work. Sometimes I just don't feel like doing it. Furthermore, without some kind of feedback, it is hard to keep up the energy necessary to entertain people. I can usually do fine with one, two, or maybe three people, but any more than that, and being the center of attention becomes very draining.

It is no wonder people can be controlled so easily. Wait, my leap of logic does have a basis. People, by and large, are just waiting for you to do something, make a decision for them, entertain them, give them something. All they need is someone to take charge, and most will go along passively. There are only a few basic kinds of people, and most fall into the category of leaders or followers. Floating in the middle are the social butterflies and the loners.

Ah, that's too much of an oversimplification, you say. I might have said so a little while ago, but now I'm not so sure. You know those people that you don't think really like you because they don't have much to say? Chances are they're just waiting for you to do something, and being incapable of taking the initiative themselves, take no action at all. Either that or they really don't like you.

For it is also true that you are only compatible with certain people. The range varies depending on the person, but it does not encompass every person out there. Frankly, I don't want to get to know most people, and I think the feeling is mutual. One must be careful not to mistake the everpresent desire to belong with actual compatibility. So how do you know if you are compatible? You'll know within a few minutes, probably. It is possible that you are both such bad conversationalists that you might not find out for a while, but that takes too long.

As I've said before, you will establish a power balance within a few seconds, and it will determine whether anything will happen. Two followers may be together, but they won't really do much outside of necessary contact. In any group, there must be at least, and probably just one leader. More than one leader fragments the group, and usually causes the weaker leader to resent being relegated to the background. It is possible to not have a leader, but again, not much will happen. Any given leader can have any number of followers following him or her, and any follower can follow more than one leader, as long as it is at different times.

What of those in the middle? Well, there are those that get along with everyone, and they have a different kind of power, in that everyone accepts them, in spite of them not truly being part of the group. There are those that get along with almost no one, and either truly have no problem being alone or pretend that they do.

What is the point of all that? I don't know, probably just me pretending to be a social psychologist so I can kill time. I probably thought about it because I see myself as hovering around the periphery of many social circles, partially accepted, or tolerated, but never fully accepted because I refuse to commit myself to any one group. It also highlights the importance of proximity in how social groups form. Just being around someone for a longer period of time, as long as they don't make themselves known in a bad way, connects you to them in a way that is hard to duplicate without an equal amount of time.

It is for this reason that it is so important, if you want to be a part of any group, that you go and do things with them that take time. In Japan, this generally involves drinking, which also involves money. Living in the place that I do, I, and two other guys that are also here, cannot really afford to go out as much as everyone else does. It is a little complicated. In any case, we're all on the outside of the main groups because we simply don't spend time with any of these people. Is this bad? Hard to say. I don't really feel like I want to particularly get to know many of these people, but that could just be me.

I think perhaps I hold myself a bit aloof from people, and they sense that, and back off accordingly. It's interesting. I also notice the poor bastards hovering even farther around the periphery of the social groups, but I don't have the energy or desire to bring them in. I'm simply not that magnanimous, or perhaps I'm just lazy.

Social dynamics are quite interesting, and I wish I could devote more time to slightly more scientific observations. However, I'm kept busy enough as it is sorting out my own social interactions, much less have time for observing everyone else's. The basic idea, though, of course, is to differentiate yourself from everyone else. If you aren't unique in some way, there is no real reason to be talking to you. This is why you can't be boring, or say things everyone else will say. You must have your own life, and your own stories to tell, because it's not very interesting when people ask you what you did last week and you say, "Nothing."

posted by Eric @ 12:54 AM 0 comments

5:03 PM GMT+9:00, August 25, 2003, Tokyo, Japan

As cynical as I am, I can't help but get a little giddy over the thought of people taking a total stranger into their house, practically sight unseen. The amount of trust in the human race necessary for that seems almost impossibly high to me, but people do it anyway. Not that many, of course, understandably, but some. I spent this past weekend in some random Japanese family's house, and I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. As part of the JLI (Japanese Language Intensive) program here as part of EAP (Education Abroad Program), those that wanted to were placed in a short weekend homestay. Families varied, but we didn't get to choose, really. We were placed. Everyone sounded like they had a positive experience, which I suppose isn't surprising.

Much like how I noticed most people at the language school in Taiwan I went to last summer were more friendly than most, it is probably that way for families that volunteer to be host families. It takes a certain mindset to want to even do that kind of thing, and it lends itself to friendlier people. Since the stay was so short, I probably didn't really get to experience the true home life of Japanese people, but seeing as how the youngest "kid" was 28, it would have been a slightly, shall we say, different experience. However, in the short time I was there, I realized yet again that people all around the world don't really live that differently. The thing that I believe makes the largest difference in how people act is how much experience they have outside their home country.

Living outside one's home country is literally a life-changing experience, or at least it should be. Being thrust into an unfamiliar environment with different customs and societal norms forces you to realize that the culture of your home country, whatever it may be, is not the be all end all of cultural development. It is hard for me to put this into words, but suffice to say that if ever given a chance to live in another country for an extended period of time, I say take it. Of course, don't go anywhere where you are likely to die, but a life without risk is a life without reward.

I have been here for only a few weeks, but the many experiences I have had here have made me just want more. Any time spent wasted on things like, and I never thought I'd say it, video games, is time I could be using to meet new people, see new things, experience more. I think it may have something to do with my short attention span, but I really enjoy meeting new people and finding out how they think. If I know someone well, that is of course good as well, but I enjoy discovering how others think. Lately I have been thinking a lot about nebulous ideas like charisma, and how it is not innate. Some people may say so, but anything that involves external things like what you say and how you say it can almost always be taught. There isn't necessarily a science to this, but there are constants that one can pay attention to in order to, shall we say, trick others into liking you. I use the work "trick" but I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way. There is, I believe a complex interaction between your real personality and how you choose to present it to the world that determines how charismatic you are. Those that are very good at hiding their real personalities can generally be good actors/actresses. Whether this is good or not I leave as an exercise to the reader, but it is definitely worth thinking about.

For example, a famous (apparently) actress in Japan participated in this Japanese show where one person of a couple basically tests their siginificant other. It always ends in disaster, of course, because they put people in ridiculous situations that not many could resist, but certainly they generally could exercise a little more self-restraint. In the first one I saw, a girl who apparently swindled some not-so-bright guys ended up trading phone numbers with three different guys (who were working for the show) in the space of less than an hour. It is hard to explain, but it was mostly to prove that she was that kind of person. But I digress.

In the other episode, a guy was out with a friend, and they worked it so that this famous actress sat at the next table, alone. In the space of less than seven seconds, he turned and asked her if she was whatever her name was. They began talking, and of course, her job was to get him to do something he shouldn't. Over the course of probably three or four meetings, well, I'll spare you the details, but he was quite busted. Of course, she was acting the entire time. So next time a famous actor/actress hits on you, look for hidden cameras.

In any case, the homestay was a great experience, and if it weren't for the fact that I can't stand not having my own place, I wouldn't mind living with them for a few months. Here's the family:

Now I'm not a big person, but they're all pretty small, if that's the right word to use. Here, for comparison, here's nearly the same picture with me in it. The perspective may be a little misleading, as the father is roughly the same size as me, but the daughters are probably roughly five feet tall.

Wow, I look downright large in that picture. I'm probably about average height here, whereas in the US I'm pretty short, for a guy. I may even be a little bit above average, although lately they've been growing taller, probably due to a changing diet. Of course, you can also see more chubby to fat Japanese people than previously, so there is definitely a trade-off. Especially among the younger generation, you see more overweight individuals than in the past.

Back to the topic at hand, though, I found myself able to carry on a pretty good conversation in Japanese, which is very good. My speaking ability has increased by leaps and bounds, to use the phrase, and I'm itching to learn more vocabulary and practice my grammar some more so I can use more complicated grammatical structures and carry on more complicated conversations. The family told me that my accent was very good, and that depending on what I said, I sounded just like a normal Japanese person. This of course only further inflates my ego, but I found it interesting what a difference an accent makes. It is much the same way in English as well, though. If someone is speaking with an accent, I automatically assume certain things about that person, even though I probably shouldn't. An accent just makes you sound stupid, even if you're not. Language is a large part of how you present yourself, and while it may be a bit much to ask everyone to get rid of their horrendous American accent, you will have to face the consequences for having one.

I shouldn't complain, but not having an accent causes many people to assume I'm fully Japanese, and they tend to proceed to blather on at length at a ridiculous speed with lots of words I've never heard before. This of course causes me problems because I usually don't understand a damn thing that they said, and I have to reveal myself as a stupid foreigner by telling them that I basically didn't understand anything.

I conversed with various members of the family almost nonstop for half of Friday, all of Saturday, and part of Sunday, so nearly two full days. Almost all of this was conducted in Japanese, although they knew a good amount of English, so if I absolutely could not explain something in Japanese, I could switch to English. I usually managed to muddle my way through, though, so I didn't have to fall back on English too much. If I'm not fluent by the end of a year here, I'm going to be royally pissed.

5:59 PM GMT+9:00, August 25, 2003, Tokyo, Japan

I just realized that if people keep inflating my ego, my head's going to explode. But then, I suppose having a bit too much confidence is a better than not having enough. Maybe that's just me.

11:10 PM GMT+9:00, August 25, 2003, Tokyo, Japan

I realized something else, and that is in spite of all I say, my confidence level is nowhere near where I'd like it to be. I'm not sure if I'm aiming for some unrealistic goal, but there is always room for improvement. I don't even like admitting it, but I'm writing this more for myself than anyone else. Sharing it is perhaps one way of dealing with it. However, I feel better about my life every single day. How could it get anything but better?

True self-confidence shouldn't be measured by external factors, but knowing that I can make it so people enjoy my company is a good feeling. I think we all want to feel needed, at least to some extent; a side effect of our being social animals. This is of course why isolation is used as a punishment. This is also why a child raised in near isolation grows up socially retarded, unable to "properly" interact with the rest of society, being unaware as they are of social norms and rules.

Distilling years of observation of social interactions and drawing upon my own experiences, the one piece of advice I can give to anyone is that one should avoid being boring. If you can make people laugh, you're in. This is, of course, if you're looking for friendship. If you're looking for more, all I can say is that you need to make your intentions very clear from the beginning. The laughter is still an important component, but the basic idea is that a person needs to associate a general feeling of well-being with your presence. Otherwise, why would they want to hang around you?

Anytime I remember to do so, I pay very close attention to how what I say affects the people around me. Do they smile, frown, laugh, look surprised, glare, stare, whatever? Many have said it before, but attraction is a complex thing, and while there are some aspects of it you cannot control, as everyone has their preferences, there are others that you can. What you say and how you say it are just as important as your face or your clothes or how you smell. The point is that anything you can control, you should. Anything you can do to make yourself more confident, as long as you aren't sacrificing small animals or anything, is probably good to do. People can sense confidence without thinking about it, and a lack of confidence is a mood-killer. Moods are contagious, and if you're nervous, other people will sense it and start feeling not so great themselves. Either that or they'll ignore you to avoid that feeling. Either way, you're in trouble.

I finally met up with that girl again this Sunday (the 24th), and I figured out a number of things. Once you've passed a certain threshold of physical contact, anything lower than that is practically a given. Once you've established a certain level of physical contact, it is not a hard thing to take it to the next level. Cute is ok, but apparently I prefer a more mature look, shall we say. The girl doesn't smoke, which is good. She's also horrendously bad at pool, which is ok, because it makes me look good. When you're in, you're in. As long as you don't fuck it up, of course.

So I suppose this would be my first casual relationship, although the actual status of us is not clear to me. I'm not too concerned about it, though. I've found the less I analyze things, the better they tend to turn out. Overanalyzation just leads to stressing about all sorts of stupid shit. The part that really gets me is that I like to have the picture on my cell phone be a girl, generally the most recent cute one that let me take their picture, and every time she sees it, she asks me if it is my girlfriend. It's interesting.

It's always when I don't care if I'm single or not that I have the opportunity to get into a relationship. It must be true that people can sense desperation. As cliched as it may be, you really do have to be cool. And by cool, I mean relaxed. You can't be fazed by anything, nor too excitable. Right now I'm just enjoying being social again after two months of living at home with just my family and that guy who even my mom can't stand. I'm not even going to touch that, because just thinking about thinking about him increases my blood pressure. Life is too short to be worrying about things like that.

Again with the power. You can't give up too much power, or you will become boring, and hence, not someone anyone wants to be around. There is almost nothing worse than being boring. You can be almost anything else, and some people will still join you, but if you're boring, there is no reason at all for people to be around you.

On the other hand, it's a lot of work to be interesting. Being tired as I am, I'm not going to go any farther into it.

I've been pretty verbose lately, and I'm not sure why. Maybe this is why people always talk about how writing journals and whatnot is good for you. It is a way to sort out the assorted crap of the day into something semi-coherent. Nothing much happened before, so there wasn't much to say. So much has happened here, but I don't want to forget any of it. Life is so interesting, I don't know why anyone would want to leave the mortal coil early.

12:42 AM GMT+9:00, August 26, 2003, Tokyo, Japan

I suppose I could've studied more for my midterm tomorrow, or I suppose, later today, but I'm lazy. Not to mention, I've already gone through the whole book that we're using. I suppose it is good review, though, so I'm not too worked up about it. Then again, I don't get too worked up about anything. It's pretty much all grammar anyway, so I figure I'll be good to go. Now I just want to practice more Japanese, as I could definitely feel a difference from the weekend I spent in the homestay. Constantly speaking Japanese helps me immensely, and while I haven't gotten to that point yet, I may want to avoid speaking any English at all. I can't talk to the others learning Japanese, though, as I know they all know English, and frankly, I don't really like their Japanese, for the most part. Even if they know more grammar and/or words than me, most of them have accents, and I don't want to listen to accented Japanese lest I pick some of it up.

I suppose I'm a bit of a perfectionist, as I don't like doing anything I don't think I will eventually be very good at. If I don't see improvement, I tend to get bored or frustrated, and move on. Actually, I think I have mild ADD or whatever you want to call it nowadays, as my attention span tends to be a bit short. My brain is always looking for new forms of stimulation, and I suppose it is a good thing I turned to learning rather than drugs or something else that would suck up my time and money and perhaps my life.

Perhaps at this point in my life, I couldn't have anything more than a casual relationship anyway. As they say, the chase is half the fun, and once I reach the finish line, so to speak, I'm not sure where things will go from there. I probably sound like a horrible person by saying that. I can't bring myself to care too much about that, though, as I am sure I'm just saying things that others don't want to admit. I suppose it is for this reason that I would never want to have a daughter, if I even have kids.

I don't trust any guys, perhaps not even myself, around a girl, and being a father of one would probably give me a premature death by cardiac arrest. Especially if my daughter is pretty, or cute, or anything besides hideous, probably. That may change, but we'll see.

Well, I suppose I better sleep, since I have a midterm tomorrow and all. Good night, and sleep well.

posted by Eric @ 11:19 PM 0 comments

12:01 AM GMT+9:00, August 19, 2003, Tokyo, Japan

Moods are a funny thing. In general, I've been in better spirits here than at most points in my life, but that of course is a subjective evaluation. It all goes back to choice. You can just as easily choose to be happy as sad. Many people take the easy course and choose to sink into self-pity, never to surface again, but on that route lies only suffering, and I don't want to go there. Choosing to be happy is much harder, and requires one to actively not only change their inner mood, but to also influence their surroundings. These range from simple things like getting more sunlight to choosing exactly who you hang out with so as to amplify good feelings and minimize bad ones.

Again, it may seem to be bad to evaluate people based on something like that, but that's the reality of it. Certain people generally carry with them certain feelings. Why do you not want to hang out with certain people? Because you don't like the feelings they incite in you, that's why. Taking this to a logical conclusion, you have to filter people very carefully, lest they drag you down with them. Frankly, there are only certain people you are likely compatible with, and once you find them, you'd better make damn sure you don't lose them.

I'm going to be repeating myself here, but most people simply aren't worth knowing. The pretty people of the world come to this conclusion much sooner than most simply because they are actually approached by others who want to be with them, but it holds true for everyone. Pretty people can easily play the numbers game, and will find the right people for them pretty easily, but the rest of us need to work at it, and carefully evaluate everyone we come into contact with. This is what assumptions and stereotypes do for us, even though we likely don't think about it.

We are constantly judging and evaluating everyone we see, but we generally do it so quickly we don't even notice. Stereotypes are a quick way of organizing the people around us into smaller groups for easier categorization. To our senses, nature is very disordered, and we crave order. This is likely the basis for the preference for symmetrical faces, among other things. Even babies exhibit this preference, so it is likely hardwired into us before we're even born.

In practical terms, your brain needs to conserve energy. Organizing people with stereotypes and assumptions saves you a lot of brain work, which conserves energy. Think of how hungry you are after taking a long test. That's because you are using your brain the entire time, forcing it to consume much more energy than normal. It is for this very reason that I am tired if I use too much Japanese for an extended period of time. My brain cannot process it as easily as English, and thus must work harder.

This is not to say that stereotypes are a good thing, but a simple explanation for why they exist. They are a natural extension of our neurobiology. Getting back to the topic at hand, if you do not choose carefully who you are with, you will have a hard time choosing your mood. We're going to assume here that you're going to want to choose a mood from content to ecstatic, and nothing worse. What does this mean?

Well, why do you think people don't tend to like negative people? Because they drag everyone else's mood down, and then people associate this feeling with the person, and want to avoid that. As much as some people like to get angry, we still tend to try to avoid situations that will stress us out. This is only natural, as a state of chronic stress helps no one.

In short, this means that in order to attract positive people, you must be positive yourself. You have a sort of control on the moods around you, and people will pick up on a perceived good mood, whether real or not. If they like the feelings they get from you, they'll stick around, and perhaps seek you out, if you're good enough. This is where the filtering comes in. You must then choose from this pool of people who is worth the work of continued contact. Most people aren't, and generally people get the hint if you don't tend to talk to them.

Ah, ever the eternal cynic, I fear I sound. I'll reiterate, though, that I only see good things in my future, and I don't know how I could get any more positive than that. I'm sure I said that before I came here, and I proved myself right. I sure as hell think that getting a girl's number in the practically the first week here when I never did it before counts. To try and not sound like a complete asshole, that isn't the only thing, but it's a pretty big thing for me. I haven't had problems interacting with people socially for years, but taking that extra step isn't easy. Hell, I even feel a little uncomfortable admitting it, but I was pretty pathetic back in the day. I think coming from that gave me the perspective that I have now. It can only get better, and you'd better believe it.

11:56 PM GMT+9:00, August 19, 2003, Tokyo, Japan

Interpersonal relationships are always a tricky thing, especially so when you don't know the language very well. I have not been here nearly long enough to know all the inflections and tones of the language, and what they mean. Regardless of all this, it can't be good for me to not see this girl for over two weeks since last contact. What I mean, is that timing is everything, and considering I can't really remember what kind of impression I made that night, it is likely to have started fading by now. If nothing else, at least it's a good experience. You learn from everything you do, or at least you should, and I've learned at the very least that when pressed, I can still sort of speak Japanese, although not as well as I would like.

I've been speaking entirely too much English lately, but this weekend's homestay should change that. We'll see how my brain deals with two entire days of nothing but Japanese. However, it appears that this family at least claims that they can speak English, so we'll see how this all works out. I hate to break plans with people, but a homestay is not something that exactly comes about every day, and I want to try it at least once. I don't think I could ever do it for a whole year, or even a few months, but I look forward to getting to know these people and to see how they live. Actually, I just want this week to end so I can get to the interesting part. I don't particularly like sitting around doing nothing, although it helps that it's free to do so. Until I can get a job, though, I think I should watch carefully how I spend my money, for otherwise I'll be out before I know it.

Since I think I've come down with a bit of a cold (and I think I know where I got it), I'm just going to sleep now, and take care of my health for once. You should probably do the same.

10:28 PM GMT+9:00, August 20, 2003, Tokyo, Japan

First my nose started acting up, then I had a headache, then I got a sore throat, and now I have this really annoying cough. I can't think of any other symptoms of a cold, so it should hopefully be over. I've taken a ton of vitamins these past few days, and keep telling myself that tomorrow it will all be better. I'm not sure if it works or not, but at least I've never been totally laid out.

After not really getting sick for quite a while now, it's really annoying to feel a bit under the weather. It is making it harder to enjoy my time here. I still enjoy it quite a bit, but I feel like I'm missing something by being sick. After coming to the realization that not only do you get just once chance at life but one chance at youth, I've been trying to grab a hold of my youth and get as much out of it as I can. Societal conditioning and pressures force most people down a path which ultimately leads to stagnation, in my opinion. This is not surprising, as it is in the interests of the established to have a stable society. It is, of course, still a choice, to some extent, what you choose to do with your life, but it is all too easy to settle into the rut provided for you.

Youth, as they say, is wasted on the young. Why is that? Simply because the young do not realize how good they have it, and waste a lot of time trying to avoid working and learning. Never again in your life (short of becoming filthy stinking rich before 40) will you have as much free time as you do when you are young. So you work your ass off to get to a good college and work your ass off to get a good job and work your ass off to get promoted so you can make more money, and before you know it, you're too old to enjoy the money you've accumulated. I'm not promoting reckless spending, but money does you no good just sitting in a bank account. Something must be done with it, otherwise you're just wasting it, much like we all waste perfectly good opportunities every day.

Don't get sick, because then it becomes much harder to live your life to the fullest.

posted by Eric @ 1:13 AM 0 comments

1:32 PM GMT+9:00, August 16, 2003, Tokyo, Japan

Well, I cut up my knee pretty good this time. Lesson: Don't run in the rain with sandals that have no traction. I have a nice picture that you can look at if you want to. I didn't inline it because it isn't exactly pretty. It's all shiny because of neosporin. It didn't stop bleeding for a little while, either. And it hurts like hell. It's not unbearable, because it is a pretty superificial scrape, but since it's on my knee, it makes it a little hard to walk. And I was going to go drinking on Friday, too. So much for that. Now it is the day after, and it still hurts, though not as much. I am going to meet a friend today, and I'm still trying to figure out how the hell I can put on pants without a guaze pad to cover my wound. It hasn't really scabbed over yet, so touching it hurts quite a bit.

Strangely, it is almost cold here now. The high for yesterday was 25 degrees Celcius, which is downright cold compared to the normal temperature in Japan during August. It's been raining for two days straight, which is both annoying and really good. Annoying because I hate going out when it is raining, having no car and all, but good because it lowers the temperature to a bearable level.

I actually have a headache now, which would be great if I caught a cold in addition to slicing up my knee. It doesn't look like it is going to get infected, which is a very good thing, because then I might actually have to go to the doctor. And since I have no health insurance coverage here, that's a very bad thing. So I'm just waiting around for my Advil to kick in so my head won't hurt. I slept on and off for a good 11 hours, but I'm still tired, not a good sign. I can't afford to get sick here, especially so early. I figure if I just keep telling myself I'm not sick, it'll eventually come true. That or if I take ridiculous amounts of vitamins, that'll also help.

Goddamn, that hurts. It hurts just to move my knee at all, but as you may have figured out, you move it all the time during the day. This movement stretches and compresses the skin on top of the knee, and that is a very bad thing when it is all cut up. This lack of mobility certainly puts a damper on my mood, on top of not being able to go out last night, but I can't let it get me down. It would be easy to sink into self-pity, but that is the refuge for the weak. I am determined to go out tonight, and if not drink, at least function and have fun. A little pain isn't going to stop me, nor is a puny piece of RNA covered by a protein coat. That is, a virus. That such a little thing can cause me so much misery is amazing, when you think about it.

I am thousands or more times larger than it, but the right bacterium or virus can kill me. And if not kill me, at least cause me to suffer. However, most of that is in my head. Yeah, I don't feel great, but I am a believer in the power of mind over matter. Since perception is reality, how you feel is in your head. I'm obviously leaving out extreme examples like losing a limb, as you cannot just wish those things back. However, if you feel tired, or lethargic, or just bored, a simple change of mindset can make things that much better. It is said that depression has a basis in the neurotransmitters in your brain, and while that is true, I think we are more than the sum of our parts. All it takes is willpower to fight your mood. If you are cranky, or sad, or angry, if you really stop to think about why you are thinking the way you do, you can change it.

Hell, there have been studies done that show that just the simple act of smiling, even when you don't want to, improves your mood. You can sort of trick yourself into being more cheerful, I guess. It all goes back to how your perceive reality. Your brain is constantly trying to jusitfy the things you see and feel, and put them into a logical framework. If you are smiling, your brain will try to figure out why, and may just conclude that you really are more happy than you were before. This is a incredible oversimplification, but I think it gets the point across.

Life is series of choices, and you are responsible for your own choices. Therefore, I'm going to choose not to feel sick. We'll see if it works.

2:37 AM GMT+9:00, August 17, 2003, Tokyo, Japan

Well, I learned a few lessons today. The first is that Roppongi is fucking far from Heiwadai. Or perhaps it would be more proper to say that Heiwadai is fucking far from everything, much like Tolman is far from every other building in Berkeley. The second is that painkillers are good. The third is that you should make sure you don't miss the fucking train, for if you do, you must either spend the night somewhere, or take a taxi. The fourth is that Iidabashi has absofuckinglutely nothing of interest at 12:30 AM. All these names I'm throwing around are districts or whatever they're called of Tokyo. If you haven't heard of them (assuming you've heard of any at all), there is likely no nightlife. The fifth is that taxis are fucking expensive here. I already knew that, but being 2000 yen down for a ride that should've been free kind of puts the point home. Fuck. If you think I'm swearing a lot now, you should have heard me when we were walking home in the rain because we couldn't afford to get dropped off at the door.

This country has many things that I like, but it really fucking sucks that the trains, which practically everyone in the entire fucking city uses, stop running around midnight. I mean, christ, the city only runs on these trains. Yeah, someone's got to do the graveyard shift, and that's always hard to find, but damn. Your choices on a weekend are either go home early or stay out all night. There is nothing in between, unless you happen to be filthy stinking rich and can afford a taxi. Unless I get a job post-fucking-haste, I'm going to run out of money really fucking quick. This is not good. I really don't want to have my parents give me more money after telling them that $500/month was enough. Little did I know how fucking expensive everything was here. And I do mean everything. Practically the only thing that is cheaper is the pens.

In spite of my bitching, my sixth lesson for the night was that in spite of feeling like I do have a bit of a cold, I was able to hold it off and enjoy my time in Roppongi, in spite of not drinking. I certainly spent enough money to have done so, but I guess with my knee the way it is, it's probably a good thing that I didn't drink. Alcohol can't possibly help the healing process. The mind really does determine how you feel. However, it only works to a point, and I'm pretty beat now, it almost being 3 AM as a finish up this post. If that guy next door to me doesn't get off the phone soon, I may have to go over there and cut out his fucking tongue. Who the fuck has the money to talk on the phone for hours on end? Not fucking me, I'll tell you that.

9:56 PM GMT+9:00, August 17, 2003, Tokyo, Japan

Playing pool for $6 an hour is pretty cheap, and strangely enough, I found a place to do just that in Ikebukuro. This is great because I want to play more, and in spite of being only $6 an hour, it's a pretty classy place. I did lose every game, but then again, I'm not that good. Whatever, I came pretty close each time, and that's good enough for me. Now, anyway. I guess today was a productive day, since I got some work done, and got to play pool as well. Apparently there is an all night pool pack from midnight to 7 in the morning for 2000 yen. This is 7 hours of playing for less than $20. Sure, it's late, but hey, if you miss the last train, what else are you going to do?

This coming weekend, I'm going to be doing a homestay over the weekend. I was looking forward to it, but it conflicts with a lot of other plans I had, unfortunately. However, I don't really have a choice in terms of the homestay, so all those other plans will have to go on hold. This is mildly distressing to me, as I was going to meet a friend I haven't seen in about a year, plus I was going to see that girl whose number I got again. I guess that will all have to wait. Gah. Ah well, such is life.

This is going to sound really bad, but I want to see that girl again mainly because I don't really remember what she looks like. Ok, that probably sounds horrible, actually. But while she must have been at least sort of cute to get me to just talk to her out of the blue, I can't remember for the life of me any features. Even if you gave me a picture and asked me if it was her, I probably couldn't tell you. Hey, it was dark in there. I sure hope she recognizes me when we finally meet, because I don't know if I'd recognize her. Man, I sound like an asshole now.

However, I don't think it is entirely a bad reason to want to meet her, as I certainly had no way to tell if she was a good conversationalist, or even a good person. Let's just say none of that concerned me at the time. You can draw what conclusions you want from that. Frankly, she could be an evil evil person, but I have no way of knowing at the moment. I can't find out through phone conversations without paying something like 40 cents a minute, so that's right out. Hell, my Japanese skills aren't nearly good enough to even care if someone is a good conversationalist. In fact, this will be a great test to see whether I can possibly maintain a relationship with just my bad Japanese. The little I talked to her really taxed my store of phrases and vocabulary, and I don't know if I can keep it up much longer. Completely Japanese conversations tire me out, as my brain is constantly processing information.

I want to try to keep some kind of connection mainly as a way to test myself. I sound really bad there again, but think about it. Nearly all my knowledge of this girl relates to her physical, um, being, and I didn't even get her name until halfway through the night. I know (she told me) she was 23, she works in Shinjuku, and, uh, that's about it. Her friend, if I recall correctly, is Mai. Don't quote me on that. There, I have told you the sum total of the information I know about her. I could tell you a few other things, but they weren't communicated verbally, shall we say. Hell, I don't even know if she's got those damn crazy teeth that Japanese people have. I sure hope she doesn't, because it drives me nuts when I see that. Superficial? I suppose so. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I think most people evaluate almost instantly based upon physical appearance, and only a few can get past that to the personality. Maybe it is just my cynicism talking, but to try to pretend that what someone looks like doesn't affect how you think of them is a little hypocritical, I think.

Let's get brutally direct here. People say height doesn't matter. It does. Looks? They also matter. Clothes? Yeah. Shoes? Yeah, even those. The sum total of how you present yourself to the outside world determines many things. Good-looking people (this includes all those previously mentioned characteristics) get jobs more easily, make friends more easily, get promotions more easily, and in general coast through life much more easily. Yes, it is possible to overcome many obstacles with a good personality and some time, but the point is that those obstacles, or the unfair advantage, perhaps, shouldn't be there in the first place. However, it exists, and to deny it would be naive and futile. Once you acknowledge that it exists, you can do something about it. Knowledge is power, as they say.

The same principle applies to martial arts as well. They like to tell you that height and weight don't matter, but they do. A taller person has more reach, and generally more mass, so they don't have to try as hard to knock you down. Why do you think they separate people by weight class in true competitions? Because it matters. Again, these handicaps (if you are smaller) can be overcome, but the fact remains that they are there to be overcome, and that they do matter.

The first step is to see the obstacle for what it is, and then figuring out a way to get around, over, or through it, to extend the metaphor. Life is unfair, as parents like to say. However, saying that it is unfair is not enough. That doesn't help anyone. Yes, it is unfair, but the point is that some people can still succeed. Why? They work at it. Yeah, they have to work harder at it to get to the same point, and that sucks, but it is reality. Some people are naturally charismatic, and life is easy for them. I, on the other hand, must work on it to pour on the charm, and it usually makes me tired after a while. Unfair? Yes. Annoying? Yeah. But what good does it do to just bitch about it? Sure, I bitch a lot, but that's mainly because I enjoy it. I find it fun for whatever reason. But when it comes down to it, I fucking do something about my situation. Complaining is all well and good, but talk is cheap. Actions are everything, and show people much more clearly what kind of person you really are.

Life is too damn short to get depressed over insignificant shit. Frankly, most of the stuff that happens in your life is insignificant. No one will care in about five minutes, except maybe you. That should send a message. And anyone that does care probably isn't worth talking to anyway.

I sound like a crotchety old man again, don't I? Well, that was my goal, I suppose.

Note: the link to the picture of my knee is broken because I haven't uploaded it yet. I'm lazy, what can I say? You probably shouldn't be looking at it anyway.

posted by Eric @ 11:15 PM 0 comments

11:23 PM, GMT+9:00, August 13, 2003, Tokyo, Japan

So I give a friend who is also in Japan a call, and I'm asked how it is for me so far, and for perhaps the first time in my life, I don't respond with just a "fine." I had nothing else to say besides "actually, pretty good. In fact, probably the best I've ever been." That sums up my experience here in a nutshell. I've been here for less than two weeks, and it could hardly be better. Some of the other UC students here have cliqued up, for lack of a better term, and groups seem to be solidifying putting me outside the "inner circle," so to speak. However, I don't really care. Many of these people will be going to different schools, and I shouldn't be talking to people who speak English anyway. I mean, on one hand I kind of feel it, because we all want to belong, but I get along well with the other two guys who live here at the Azalea House, who are also a little outside of the groups, and that's good enough for me.

I've come to realize that most people simply aren't worth the time to get to know, as bad as that may sound. You have to make a choice. I see so many new people all the time here that it's simply impossible to be friends with all of them. I kind of think I intimidate them, as strange as that may sound. I say that mainly because I've hung out with some of my Japanese friends with some of the other UC people, and I was the only one on Monday night to pick up a girl, or rather, anyone at all. Many people seem to have a problem talking to real Japanese people, but I feel pretty comfortable with it. I know I make mistakes, but I can usually make myself understood. The girl I picked up in the club thought I was Japanese at first.

I could just be stroking my own ego here, but that's just the impression I get. I am not a figure to be pitied, since I "obviously" have my own friends, nor am I charismatic enough for people to gravitate towards me. Hence, people are fine being acquaintances, but may be wary or not interested in going farther. Generally, the feeling is mutual. Frankly, most people bug me. This goes back to the impression that people may get of me being negative, but anyone that really knows me understands that I'm not. But back to people. A lot of people think they are good at Japanese. Sure, they may know more vocabulary than me, but they'll never get rid of that accent. Maybe I'm just being elitist again, but if you can't get rid of the accent, you're still missing something very important.

Wandering back into ethnic studies territory, you will always be an outsider unless you can speak without an accent, which is a clear marker that you don't "belong." Furthermore, speaking without an accent is as much a skill as memorizing all the words you need to function. I like to think I have a talent with that, but again, that could just be my ego talking. There are those that are very proud of their Japanese, but aren't really that good.

Come to think of it, I'm getting a little scared. Why? Simply put, I'm starting to think more and more like my father, no matter how I try to avoid it. He expected others to see his talent rather than telling them, and that's exactly what I expect now. I'm not going to brag about my Japanese, but when it comes time to use it, I can hold my own. I don't know as many words, nor as many grammatical structures, but I can carry on a conversation, while others have problems with it. They expect Japanese people to flock to them simply because they can speak English, and when it doesn't happen, they wonder why.

It's never that simple.

Life is all about choices, and this applies just as much to interpersonal relationships as anything else. You choose who to associate with, and you also choose who to focus your attention on. You also choose whether people will come to you or the other way around. The power (yeah, there's power again) balance is a delicate thing, and it is very easy to lose it if you aren't careful. I'll use myself as a test case.

Today I gave the girl from Monday a call. Her phone wasn't on, or something, and I left a message. A few things are key here. First, I left a message that was short and to the point, and told her to call me. Second, I did not call a second time, nor would I have. Third, I didn't wait for a return call; I just went about my normal business.

The way phones work here, you get charged for outgoing, but not incoming, depending on your carrier. This brings another bit of power wrangling into play here, since the one making the call pays. I am beginning to think that this girl is used to having all the power, and if I can't figure out a way to get some of it back, this will become very very expensive. I'll just stop seeing her if that becomes the case, but this is a good test for me, as I am wandering uncharted waters. The girl rang me three times before I returned her call. In other words, she called, then hung up, to get the number on there, so I would call back. Point goes to her. The conversation lasted about 10 minutes, and I initiated the end of the call. Point to me.

Points, you say. That's horrible. This isn't a game. But it is. No one is really keeping score, but if you let too many points go to the other side, you lose. What do you lose? You lose your power, your pride, and your money. I'm going to have to do this very delicately, as taking power from one who is used to it is very hard. If not done right, they'll just go off to the next sucker who is willing to empty their wallet for very little in return. I got a pretty good return on my investment that night, without going into the details, but she'll probably try to extract a larger price from me every time I let her. You know how they say if you give them an inch, they'll take a mile? It's true. Don't give them an inch, and see how they deal with it. If they deal with it badly, you may as well just get rid of them right then, and save yourself a lot of grief. Life is too short to be dealing with annoying people.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: If you need someone, they already have the power. If they need you, obviously it is the other way around. The easy way to get around this is to make it so you don't need anyone. How? simple, perhaps not easy. If they're going somewhere, don't tag along. Only go if you really want to go, not just for the company. Go places that you want to go, not places that others want to go. Make decisions, don't waffle, never look lost. The big secret is that people can only have power over you if you let them. It's that simple.

Is it cynical to look at the world as a series of power struggles in a complex social maelstrom? If it is, I'm guilty. Because that's all it is. At the same time, most people are nicer than you may think, but you still shouldn't trust anyone until they prove themselves to be trustworthy. Ah, a contradiction, you say. Sure it is, but life is full of contradictions, and they aren't always mutually exclusive.

What's my point? I'm not sure. These are just roughly related thoughts all strung together in a hopefully readable format. I hope I avoided the stream-of-consciousness blather, but I don't know if I organized my thoughts well enough. If nothing else, you should realize how everything you do and say affects people's perception of your person. How quickly you make decisions, how much eye contact you make, how much physical contact there is, how you stand, how you sit, how you talk; it all shapes people's perceptions of your person, and since perception is that person's reality, you'd better damn well pay attention to what you're doing. If you don't care, you're already halfway there. While you should always be aware of what people think of you, you shouldn't tailor your actions to please them, as that is giving all your power away to them. It's hard to explain, but I think I'll just stop now, as I've rambled long enough.

posted by Eric @ 11:40 PM 0 comments

9:20 PM GMT+9:00, August 12, 2003, Tokyo, Japan

Sadly, due to my busy schedule of drinking too much and going out too much, I haven't had time to sort through my pictures. I have a huge backlog to go through, and I should be able to get to it tomorrow. However, in the meantime, I must make an announcement (read: gloat a bit).

I can't believe I've been here less than two weeks, and I've done more than practically my entire life. Today (that being Tuesday, the 12th here) is the first day I didn't go out and do something, and that's because I'm still dead tired from last night. Yeah, I went drinking on Monday night. I'd say I've also consumed more alcohol since I've been here than in my entire life as well, but we'll make sure my parents don't know that. I drank with a friend on Friday, drank with other friends on Saturday, went to an all day tour to Kamakura (pictures forthcoming) on Sunday, and had the time of my fucking life on Monday. You'll have to forgive me if I start to get a little less than eloquent as I recount my adventures, as I still can't get over it.

Drinking with friends is always fun, and is certainly far better than drinking alone (which I never do). Friday and Saturday was just straight drinking at a bar. There are these cool bars in Japan where you have to take your shoes off to get in. It's pretty cool, and I didn't think to get a picture because it seems so normal here. In any case, much drunken revelry was had, and it was enjoyable (if expensive). Sunday was great too, but I'll tell you guys all about that once I get my pictures all organized. Monday, well.

What can I say about Monday. For those that know me well, and I'm not sure quite how many people that is, my story may not sound real. Even if you don't know me, it might not sound real. This post will be cross-posted on my blog/board since I am lazy and this post is all text.

Monday. I never thought I'd drink on a Monday. Nor did I ever think I'd drink as much as I did last night. Two shots of 151 and numerous other alcoholic beverages were enough to get me really buzzed, and probably a little drunk. I should backtrack a little. I went to Shibuya with some friends because it was someone's birthday. Basically, it was an excuse to drink on a Monday night. We went to this little bar/club place called Gas Panic, mainly because during happy hour, it was 400 yen for every drink. I discovered later that the shots are half the size of the normal ones, but I guess it was ok since they cost half as much. In any case, we started off slowly, and everyone seemed a little apprehensive at the relatively dark lighting and the ridiculously loud music. Once we got a little alcohol in our systems, everyone loosened up, and they went to the dance floor, which was basically the empty space around the tables not in front of the bar. It's hard to describe, but let's just say the place is small.

Again, for those that know me, they know that I don't really dance. That may actually be an understatement, but I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone to dance. After last night, though, I may have to do it a little more often. However, I don't know if my bank account can survive that. In any case, I got drunk enough to dance and not care what I looked like; since no one else really cared either, I guess that was a good thing. Actually, it was a very good thing.

We danced in our little group for a while, and then I guess we started accosting random Japanese people around us to dance. As I found out later, apparently most people got shot down pretty hard (girls excepted, as always). On a related note, there was this one white guy in a white shirt who stood out since the place was lighted mainly by blacklights, and he was there the entire time, all alone. I almost felt sorry for him. Almost. Poor bastard.

Anyway, I did something I didn't think I could do, and I reached out to a nearby Japanese girl (who apparently is quite cute, but I have hazy memories of the night, plus it was dark in there) and started talking to her. I never dance with girls I don't know, much less dance in the first place, but I did it. She seemed like she needed a little loosening up, so I took the initiative and we went to get a drink. I took another shot which probably put me over the edge of having any inhibitions at all, and she downed her beer like it was water. Although, at my level of drunkeness, it pretty much was water. We went back to dance some more, and I'll spare you the details, but I got to know her at quite an, shall we say, intimate level.

Her friend wanted to leave, so she made her goodbyes, and I asked her if she had an email address. Wait, I should also mention that she didn't speak any English, so this was all in Japanese, over incredibly loud music. What a test. Anyway, she said that a phone number was probably easier, and gave me that instead. It's sad and awesome at the same time, but that's my first picked-up-at-a-club-girl's phone number. With that practice, it hopefully won't be the last. Oh fucking yeah.

posted by Eric @ 5:25 AM 0 comments

1:24 AM GMT+9:00, August 12, 2003, Tokyo, Japan

I'm still a bit buzzed, and all I have to say is I got a fucking number. Let me repeat that. I got a fucking number. It may be fake, but at this point, I don't really care. I'll find out in a few days if it is or not.

To keep this post from mindless gloating, I'll discuss. This night (Monday night, for those keeping track) has proved to me once and for all that it matters not what you say so much as how you say it. And going even farther than that, actions speak louder than words, and body language is much more important than your topic of conversation. Charisma is not a matter of being able to speak well, it is a matter of conveying the message that you are completely comfortable with yourself and with everyone else. People gravitate to that.

I could go into details, but I won't, as they aren't necessary. All I have to say is that I got a fucking number. Words cannot convey how much fun this night was. Time to shower.

1:49 AM GMT+9:00, August 12, 2003, Tokyo, Japan

Did I mention that I got a fucking number? And I "only" spent about $20 for the whole night. 400 yen shots are great. However, shooting Bicardi 151 kind of hurts. That stuff burns going down, and worse the second time. Especially if you don't have a chaser. Note: whent shooting bicardi 151, make sure to have a chaser ready, or you'll pay for it. It also seems to keep you drunk for much longer, for whatever reason. Perhaps because the alcohol concentration is so high that your body takes a long time to process it. I'm not really sure, and my brain isn't up to thinking about it right now.

I kind of broke my own personal rule to not buy drinks for girls, since it hands the power over to them (that's right, I'm talking about power again), but I only bought one drink, and let me tell you, it was well worth it. Being able to direct people to where they go gives you much more power than buying one drink takes away. However, it was a ridiculously expensive drink. 800 yen for a beer? You must be fucking kidding. For reference, that comes out to $7 or so. For a smaller-than-normal bottle of beer? Christ, that's a horrible price. But again, it was worth it.

I probably drank more tonight than I've ever had in my entire life. I had two shots of bicardi 151, two shots of vodka with other stuff for taste, and bits and pieces of other people's drinks. I'd say I had a good 5 or 6 drinks in me at the top of the night. If I make it through tomorrow without puking, I'll have survived yet another night of drunken debauchery relatively unscathed.

Many of you who know me will likely not believe my story even if I told it to you, but suffice it to say that I did many things for the first time tonight that I hope to replicate later. For those that can read Japanese, I present to you the last phrase I heard from someone I met for the first time this night: denwa shite~

Oh fucking yeah.

posted by Eric @ 11:44 PM 0 comments

For your further edification, I cross-post to a message board in a slightly different style, with a slightly different set of pictures. Since I am dividing my attention between the two, I may be very slow in updates. I will add a link to the side soon. Anyway, go here to find other thoughts I have about the trip. I think you'll be able to figure out who I am.

posted by Eric @ 12:01 AM 0 comments

1:06 AM GMT+9:00, Tokyo, Japan

I'm just a little drunk. Well, depending on how you define it, I've never been truly drunk. I am always coherent enough to type like this, and anyone that talks to me may note that I'm a little louder and more talkative when I have a few drinks in me, but no one would be able to deduce instantly that I'm not entirely sober. I can usually walk straight, although I had enough tonight to not be entirely balanced. I don't really know how much I had tonight. There was some sake, and some soju, and some mystery Korean liquor that was 25% alcohol. The details are hazy. I suppose it was a fitting Friday night in Japan, so I'm satisfied. I don't want to think about how much I spent tonight, and I won't really worry about it until tomorrow morning, when I'm not buzzed.

It's too bad there weren't any girls around, but we had a good conversation anyway, and the young one collapsed early, so we turned in as well. I know I'm ready for bed.

1:29 AM GMT+9:00, Tokyo, Japan

After sobering up for a few minutes (meaning I took a shower), I began to think how interesting it is the effects alcohol has on people. Random fact of the day: so-called truth drugs basically put the person in a state analogous to being very drunk. This means both that they are more likely to tell the truth, and also more likely to be easily influenced. This means that if and when interrogating someone under the influence, you must be careful not to plant suggestions of a desired answer so as to not taint the results.

When under the influence of alcohol or other drugs that lower inhibitions, it is interesting to notice the interplay between what your mind says you should do and what you actually do. Your mind may be screaming at you that getting more alcohol is not the smartest thing to do, but your body follows along with the crowd. I just spent almost $10 on random alcohol and apple juice, and I didn't care at the time. I watch my limits carefully, so as to never get fully drunk, but my inhibitions are lowered nonetheless. While I believe I have more willpower than most, alcohol can break through most of my resolutions quite easily. Thankfully, I have been strong enough to refuse a drink when I knew I could not take more. There comes a point where you know you should not continue, and I have never failed to stop there.

I also find it interesting that I can type a near-essay like this at 1:30 in the morning while my body frantically detoxifies my blood with alcohol dehydrogenase and other related enzymes. I abuse my liver sometimes, but thankfully, not that much. Many people talk of male bonding, and then giggle, but alcohol helps this mythical process along, much as it lubricates all other social contact. I use that in every sense of the word.

Much like you never know whether you can hate a person until you live with them, you can't know what lurks in the heart of the man next to you until he drinks enough to spill his guts. People will say things that they would never say when sober, and it is always interesting to hear people's true opinions.

Seeing as how my eyelids don't want to stay open (yes, I drank water), I believe I shall retire to my bed. I hope everyone else's Friday night went well.

posted by Eric @ 6:36 PM 0 comments

Tokyo is made up of many different districts, or divisions, or whatever technical term it is. You may have heard of the more famous ones, such as Shinjuku, Akihabara, or Shibuya. You will not have heard of Nerima, because there's nothing here. By nothing, I mean nothing interesting, but we shall take a tour of my town/city/district/whatever anyway.

Ah, my station.

Stairs, I love stairs.

Ah, here we are, the main, uh, street.

If we have been paying attention, we realize that everyone drives, and walks, on the left side instead of the right. It's very strange. Actually, unlike the US, it is not always true that the left is the side you go on. It's pretty random, actually. People on bikes will go on the left, or right, or the middle if they're feeling frisky. They'll also come within millimeters of running you down, just so long as they can get by. It's interesting how in a society so polite that they'll line up for an escalator instead of crowding the entrance (has to be seen to be believed), a bump on the street usually doesn't require any response at all. In the subway, it is even less necessary. It's almost like there is a unwritten agreement that if you need to get somewhere, you can do quite a bit to get there, and we'll all understand.

In any case, after a few interminable minutes of walking in ridiculous heat and humidity, we reach my alley, I mean, street.

As we can see from these pictures, there is a whole lot of nothing around me. We have a circle K, an am/pm, lots of random Japanese stores, and trees. I'm excited, aren't you?

Incidentally, before turning into my alley, you see one of those police boxes you may or may not have heard of.

I didn't get a good shot of it, but at least the surroundings should give you a sense of scale. It's pretty small, and makes you wonder how the Japanese police deal with violence. It is not nearly as common here as in the US, and I don't believe they are trained in the same manner. This is a question for another time, however.

Ah, my home for the next year.

Looks ok, right? It's not bad, I'll admit. It's certainly a step up from the dorms, and the value of a single is incalculable. I also can cook for myself, and I don't have to share a bathroom with anyone, the value of which also cannot be calculated. I'm not complaining, don't get me wrong. However, when you have a room this size,

you sometimes wonder why you're paying so much money. It's not a huge amount by Bay Area standards, but I'm also paying the same for less. See the genius of the Japanese? Pay more for the same amount or less. Genius. I wish I had thought of it. In any case, I've met my landlady, and she seems nice enough, so I think it'll be ok. Plus, my Japanese is good enough that she at first thought that I was the one guy of Japanese descent that also lives here. So I have a pretty good accent, but I'm still having trouble making complete sentences, which is slightly important, I think.

Check out that bathroom. To give you an idea of the scale, I can touch the ceiling without stretching, and the walls are definitely close enough for me to stretch my arms out and touch each side. It's small. Even if you wanted to shower with someone else, not that I would do such a deviant and immoral thing, you probably couldn't due to the size. I can barely fit in there myself, and I'm not exactly who you would call a large person.

Well, let's not spend too much time here, for after all, we are in a foreign country, and staying here would be as useful as watching HBO in your hotel room. I may have mentioned it before, and I'll mention it many times, but Japan is quite the mix of the traditional and the modern. You can see people in kimonos right next to businessmen, and you can see people talking on their phones not just while they are driving, but also while riding their ubiquitous bikes. All the bikes look the same, and they all have baskets. Function over form, I suppose. After just a few days here, I can understand it, as you have to walk everywhere. There hasn't been a day yet where my feet did not hurt by the end of the day. I almost enjoy it this way, as I know every day I have is filled, with nary a moment to rest or be bored. It tells me I'm making good use of my time, and given how expensive it is to live here, I had better do just that.

Well, look at that, a lumber yard.

A lumber yard? What the hell? I really am in the boonies. All these things should be hidden from me, not out for all to see. Give me my urban jungle, with carefully regulated and partitioned nature free of bugs. I am a product of the information age, and nature, while making for nice photo ops, also cares not for your comfort, nor for your feet. Nature also doesn't care about sarcasm, but I digress.

Japan has been described as a construction state, and I see it everywhere. Japan spends a larger amount in absolute and relative terms on construction projects than any other nation in the world, including the US.

Here we have a shiny new building, the function of which I know not, with more construction directly in front of it. You almost can't go anywhere without seeing construction. Asakusa, Shinjuku, and apparently even my sleepy little district, Nerima.

I can't emphasize enough just how much this experience has done for me. These pictures were thrown together pretty quickly, and I want to get a better set of another area later, but even this town has lessons to be learned, as I adjust to a new life where the average person doesn't understand a word of English. It is for this reason that I say that if I were a benevolent (what other kind is there?) dictator, I would force everyone to travel to a foreign country and learn their language. And I don't mean just go there for a week or two, I mean live there, for at least a year. There is no better way to realize just how much is out there in the world outside of the bubble that is a familiar area. After all, otherwise you might never see warnings telling you to watch the elevator doors like this:

posted by Eric @ 3:24 AM 0 comments

5:30 PM GMT+9:00, Nerima, Tokyo, Japan

Christ in fucking heaven, it's fucking pouring. One of the other two people here from the UC system and I went today to get our Alien Registration Card, so we can do lots of other things, like open bank accounts, and more importantly, get a cell phone. This may not be absolutely necessary, but I'll find out soon enough. Why am I swearing? Well, fuck, you would be too if you walked a good half mile in a fucking thunderstorm. This is on top of having to jump the gate twice today because my ticket didn't work. I didn't jump it to save money, because at least I would have gotten something out of it. I had to jump it out of necessity. When you're inside the station, you can't buy tickets. You can do a fare adjustment, but to save everyone the complicated and very boring story, I'll just say that I couldn't use my ticket at all, but I could have ridden the train out of the station. This would have done me no good, as I needed to exit this station.

You may or may not be able to tell but I got completely soaked. I had to strip down and leave my clothes at the door, because I don't really have anywhere else to put them. Even now, thunder is rolling outside at very frequent intervals, indicating to me just how large this storm is. I like the predictable weather of the Bay Area, not this oppressive heat and humidity followed by crazy thunderstorms.

Christ on a frickin' crutch, that was a loud roll of thunder. At least I got free pizza out of this day.

Rain is cool, because it cools everything down, but if I had been smart and brought an umbrella, it would have been slightly more cool. As it is, I may have to take a shower at 6 because I definitely can't wear the clothes I had on. Well, technically, I could, but I have this feeling that I wouldn't smell so good after a while.

Everything is a learning experience, and this is no exception. As much as I bitch and moan, I take everything as something that is trying to teach me something. The lesson here is pretty obvious - if you think it's going to rain, take a fucking umbrella. I even thought about it, but just didn't do it, out of some obstinate stupidity. I had my backpack with me, so it wouldn't have been hard. We were the only two morons outside without umbrellas, of course, because the Japanese came prepared. Go figure. Stupid Americans, I guess.

It's hard to put the totality of my experience into words, because it keeps growing and changing. I learn new things every day, and I'm never bored. There are always more people to talk to, and more things to do, and more places to go. This has been such an intensely rewarding experience, and just these few days would be worth everything I had to go through to get here. Yet, I get an entire year of just learning, and I couldn't ask for anything more. There are those that rush to get to real life, and I don't know why. When you have to worry about everything including your own job, you have no time to really enjoy life (unless you're lucky enough to have a job that gives you new experiences all the time). There is no better time to really experience life than college, and I plan to make the most of the little time I have left. Here's to an amazing year.

posted by Eric @ 2:59 AM 0 comments

I haven't posted in a while due to a number of factors, not the least of them being sporadic internet access. It would be impossible to cover everything that has happened in the past few days, so I won't really try. Well, as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words, and I have thousands of words just waiting to be said, so to speak. I'll leave out some of the more specific pictures, tailoring my presentation for the greatest number of people.

Just think, I had to look up how to use HTML to put pictures on my page, just for you. Don't you feel special?

My first stop after arriving at Narita airport, which most people call Tokyo airport, in spite of it being a good hour outside of Tokyo, was Shinjuku. It says something that the code for the airport is NRT, not some weird permutation of the letters in the romanization of Tokyo. Anyway, by the time I cleared customs and found my luggage, and hauled it to the Narita Express to head to Tokyo proper, it was nearing nightfall, and by the time I actually made it there, it was pretty much night. Shinjuku at night is quite a sight.

Being Japan, there was also a huge game store, which stretched for an entire block, with all the assorted game-crazy socially deprived Japanese boys crowding around.

The next morning, being unable to sleep, I took a walk.

Previously being Friday night in Shinjuku, people were just going home at 6 in the morning. As you may know, Japan is a small country, with small people and small things of all shapes, but not sizes. Everything comes as a small. The tissues are half the size of normal ones unless you pay extra for Kleenex, the cups are smaller, the portions are smaller, the streets are smaller, and so are the garbage trucks. Yeah, that's right.

The guy next to the truck is a good comparison. It's probably around 6 feet high. I've never seen such a thing.

Next time, a tour of my town for the next year. It's no Shinjuku, but it's probably a lot cheaper. Well, not a lot cheaper, but somewhat.

posted by Eric @ 5:45 AM 0 comments

Hopefully the next time I post (and this time, I truly do not know when I will have internet access again), I will have pictures for you all to enjoy. I have thumbed my nose at fate and used my connections to host my pictures. Since this page gets a grand total of perhaps 10 unique visitors, I figure I won't abuse his bandwidth too much. Just think, you're part of a very special group, reading something that would send copy editors into fits. I like to think of it as you all helping me help myself. Shall I throw out other meaningless platitudes?

Fortuitously, I have been able to use the free internet in this hotel for a while, but this while shall end after tonight. Perhaps I can get my last taste tomorrow morning, but I'm not going to count on it. I feel so disconnected. This sporadic exposure to the internet is the only way I can satiate my need for connectivity.

Speaking of connectivity, I need to get an Alien Resident Card before I am eligible to sign up for a cell phone. A quick Japanese lesson for you all. "Cellular phone" in Japanese is keitai denwa which translates roughly as "hand phone." Until I get a cell phone, I must rely upon a land line which obviously is linked to a money pit, into which I throw the exorbitant fees. I refuse to even contemplate the per minute charges. It is bad enough that a good cell phone plan in Japan can run you upwards of $70, the mind boggles that land lines cost yet more if used at the same frequency.

Ah, Japan, the land where everything is smaller, yet more expensive. It's pure genius. Give them less, charge them more, dance naked in your money room. It's almost as good as Nintendo selling people the same machine three times, and having them be more than happy to buy it three times. Let's just think about this for a moment. Paying for what is essentially the same product three times. That's well over 200% pure profit, even taking into account R&D. After all, any product that can be sold three times probably already sells itself.

I am incapable of being eloquent at 5 AM, PST, which clearly indicates that jet lag still has its hold on me, and my laughing dismissal of how much if effects me has come back to bite me in the ass. Hubris is not a good thing to have, but I never learn. Since I am incapable of anything resembling acceptable prose, I shall quit while I'm behind and consign my brain to dreamland. Incidentally, it seems I talk in my sleep, but that's just hearsay.

posted by Eric @ 5:00 AM 0 comments

From the land of the rising sun:

So let's see, my computer tells me it is almost 6 PM, PST, but here I believe it is just before 10 AM in the morning. I've been up since 4:30 AM. Christ, that's early. I actually took a walk this morning, and I'd have pictures for you right now except as per Murphy's Law, I can't. The short explanation is that I can either choose to break one function of my computer or another. It is a tradeoff, and I chose to be able to download my pictures. Being able to do so makes it so that I cannot upload them, however, which is mildly bothersome. Actually, it's very annoying. I know from experience that something always goes wrong when I want to do something with my computer, but I always try to cheat fate and hope that it doesn't happen. I'll never learn.

Humidity sucks. Heat, I can deal with. Cold, I can deal. Humidity, and I turn into a cranky five year old who hasn't gotten his sugar rush for the day. It's that damn sticky feeling. You just can't feel clean. That sounds mildly obsessive-compulsive, but I don't actually do anything about the feeling, aside from becoming very short with people. If I'm in that kind of a mood, I follow the creed of stupid questions deserving stupid answers. I can't do it in Japanese, so I probably won't be able to get that satisfaction.

You know how people like to repeat what you just said as a way to get you to say more? Normally I don't pay attention to it, but when it's hot and humid (that is, ?ö‚µ?‹‚¢), I like to turn up the sarcasm to "you're such a prick" levels.

"So I'm going to Japan..."
"You're going to Japan?"
"No, I just said that for fun, I'm really going to go your house and beat you senseless, but don't let that stop you from asking stupid questions."

I've never actually said that, but it might be satisfying to the right people.

"Do you work here?"
"No, I just wear this badge because it's so fucking cool."

It must be fun to make snap judgements, because then you can feel justified in saying things like that. I may come across as quite mean here, I sometimes think, but there's not much to be done for that.

You can look at it as me showing you me after I peel off the thin veneer of politeness that holds our society together. Without this facade of respect, society really would collapse, as people have been saying for thousands of years. After all, if you told the person sitting next to you to please lose weight or just to kill themselves so they wouldn't breathe like they just ran a marathon after reaching across the table, you might not be liked very much. Also, you can't just say to someone that their face inspires fear in small children, however true it may be. However, kids tend to be much more, shall we say, open. This is why middle school is so bad for many kids.

Exactly why, you ask? Simple. You have three basic traits that people can see easily in school. Your appearance, your weight, and your academic skill. If are good to go in at least one, you may survive. If, however, you are fat, ugly, and stupid, you're pretty much going to be scarred for life, and you may as well commit suicide now to ease the burden on society. Chlorine in the gene pool, I say. Was that too harsh?

I wonder how serious I really am when I say something like that. I'd never take action towards that end, but I couldn't say I would be altogether sad if someone like that removed themselves from the mortal coil. Should I care? I don't know, but I do know that no one has the energy to care about everyone that dies for an "unjust" reason. A kid in Africa probably just died of starvation right after I decided that I didn't want to eat the fish I had as part of my traditional Japanese breakfast, should I feel ashamed?

On one hand, following the doctrine of "look out for number one" to the letter results in quite the arrogant prick, but at the same time, I would argue that every action we take is selfish, to some extent. True altruism does not exist. Frankly, it can't, since evolution doesn't reward the nice animals that leave their competitors alive. The explanation for familial altruism is slightly complicated, and I won't go into unless someone clamors for it, but suffice to say that there is a reasonable explanation. Oh, but what about donating to a charity, you say? Tax write-off, general better feeling that after raping the general consumer, you can redistribute that wealth to someone else who needs a job more than money. Give me any scenario, I'll give you a selfish motivator at the root of it.

I guess it's no wonder that people may think I'm a cynical bastard. It is my goal to become the crotchety old fart. You know, the one the whole town knows and the kids love to use to threaten their not-so-lucky victims. If I already think that kids are nothing but trouble, just think how vitrolic I'll be 50 years from now. Kids will tremble at the mention of my name, and they'll probably dare each other to egg my house. They won't do it, though, because they'll fear retribution from up on high. That is, me and my shotgun filled with buckshot. I'll probably have to move to Texas just so I can legally shoot people who trespass. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Wait, Texas is humid, and filled with fat people. Shit.

posted by Eric @ 6:22 PM 0 comments

Live, from Tokyo, Japan

I'm so freaking tired. 6 PM here, 2 AM back home. Can't sleep yet, must change my body clock! Now, some not so live stuff.

July 31st, 2003, 2:33 PM PST

As I sit here 32,000 feet in the air, suspended by nothing more than air, it strikes me as crazy that as of now, 2:33 PM, Thursday, July 31st, the year 2003, I am hurtling through the sky at over 500 miles per hour in a giant metal tube, and I look at this as normal. Maybe not normal, but certainly nothing to be amazed at. I imagine some introspective person had much the same thought when they realized that you could pipe running water into your house, but it takes nothing away from the thought. Perhaps it should amaze me more that I am able to type this right now, hanging over 5 miles of nothing but air.

I always wondered when I was young about why people (namely, parents) liked to say that writing was good for you, but it is truly strangely carthartic, or however you spell that word. Much like dreams probably are, it is a good way of sorting through the assorted trials and tribulations of the day, and making some sort of sense of them.

Further proof that money can buy anything, I know some airlines are outfitting planes with wireless connections, so for a small (large) fee, you can not only cheat death from 5 miles up, you can do it and be on the internet at the same time. The value of that is simply incalculable, and I tremble to think what will be possible in a few decades. I'm already feeling like I am disconnected, having no internet connection or cell phone, and bear this grudgingly, knowing that it will be over in a few (too many) hours. In a supreme effort of willpower, I managed to hold off on using my laptop until 2:30, fully three hours after we lifted into the air, thumbing our noses at gravity.

Being new to the world of mobile computing, I never really knew how much abuse these things could take, and am slightly worried at turbulence hurting my precious drive. I chose my words carefully, and I say "precious" because much like my cell phone, there is much information recorded on it that is replicated nowhere else. It's no wonder I couldn't cut it as a boy scout. Not that I would have necessarily wanted to, but people do certainly enjoy the feeling of belonging.

As further musings on the logistics of cheating death, some research I have done leads me to believe that the traditional way they teach us about lift, while not wrong, does not sufficiently explain why we don't plunge into the ocean in a fiery, very quick, and ultimately spectacular death. I am no physicist, so I cannot really explain myself, but suffice to say that I wish I could, and there isn't enough time in one lifetime to learn all the things I want to learn. Just think, to maintain altitude, we employ what amounts to a whole series of controlled explosions that we just happen to direct in one direction. It is almost as if we go fast enough to fool the plane into thinking it is falling. Conversely, I enjoy thinking of helicopters as much the same, except they beat the air into submission rather than bulling through it. As a check against stupid comments, I'll draw your attention to the facetious air with which I typed the previous sentences. They are not meant to be taken seriously, much like a lot of what I say.

Expounding (look at me, I took the GRE) upon the idea of taking things less seriously, it only has benefits for us. Stress is quite the killer, and getting rid of stress is the aim of many things, like meditation and yoga and other similar new agey fun. However, and it may sound hokey, but stress is all in your mind, and only you can get rid of it. No one can get rid of stress for you, but you can choose not to stress out over all the little things in life. I admit, I should practice what I preach more, but my apathy allows me to do this pretty well. Occasionally I will be incited to rage by acts of unmitigated stupidity, but lately they have been lessening. I will be observing the situation in Japan pretty closely, but I already know that stupidity crosses all national and cultural boundaries.

I'm going to tread into dangerous territory here, but I shall sally forth regardless. A note before I proceed, however: regardless is a word; irregardless is not. I don't care if it has been put in the dictionary due to the prevalence of people not being able to speak their native language, it is not a word. To say otherwise is to be flat out wrong. Moving on, if we look at statistics, we notice that there is a general trend developing that isn't very encouraging. Namely, the higher the education level, the fewer kids a person will tend to have. What exactly does that mean? That means that all the stupid people are breeding.

Oh, but education isn't a measure of intelligence, you say in your liberal zeal. I'll grant you that, but the fact remains that higher education, produces, on average, a more, shall we say, useful member of society. Notice, on average. Hm, you think, this sounds much like eugenics. But wait, I haven't said anything yet. I hate to say it, but all the smart people need to be procreating more. Clearly, as an intelligent, educated, and very humble human being, it then becomes my duty to make the beast with two backs with every, shall we say, suitable specimen. That's right duty. To all those who I have not met yet who I have a duty to further the human race, I say, just wait, I'll be there soon.

July 31st, 2003, 5:09 PM PST

It is now 5:09 PM, and I've successfully passed almost two hours with the wonder that is mobile computing. Or I guess in my case, mobile video file viewing. I'm now defying gravity at 34000 feet, with four hours to go until reaching my destination. I don't think the reality of my situation has sunk in yet. For those still in school, you may understand what I am talking about. Sure, I'm also still in school, but this really feels like breaking away from home. College is one thing, college in a foreign country is entirely different.

I believe we've crossed the international dateline, so technically it is Friday now. At least it is Friday in Japan, which will be my home for the next year. When I really think about it, I almost get nervous. I'll be totally on my own, and I don't even really know the language that well. Intellectually, I know that this is good and necessary, to break away from home, that is, but in spite of how being home sometimes bothers me, it is all I've really known for the past 22 years. Yeah, I lived in an apartment in college, but my proximity to home didn't make it the same as if I had gone to the East Coast or something. Furthermore, everyone spoke English, and while I am no English major, I'd like to think my grasp of the official language is pretty damn good. I'm far more humble in person, I swear.

Yeah, people tell me I don't have an accent in Japanese, and if I speak fast enough, people will mistake me for Japanese, but unless my skill approaches the level of my English, I won't be satisfied. I'm of the belief that if you don't know what you're talking about, you should keep your mouth shut. I've tried to practice this, as it's not so good to be a hypocrite, and I think largely I've succeeded.

It's one thing to ask about something you don't know, but it's another to categorically state something when you really only know two things: jack, and shit. For example, I don't know many specific technical English terms, like predicate nominative (what the hell is that anyway?), and I don't claim to. I know what is correct, but I couldn't explain it. On the other hand, having studied molecular and cell biology for 4 years (perhaps 2, depending on how you define it), I have all sorts of crazy biological terms in my head. I also know just how much so-called "science" articles oversimplify everything. Lately I have been a little more impressed with the depth that they reach, but it is nowhere near satisfactory for me.

I suppose I may seem quite the elitist bastard, but when you get down to it, I think I'm an idealist. I believe that it should be normal for everyone to understand, for example, oxidative phosphorylation. I think everyone should know what ATP stands for, and how it transfers energy. Mitochondria, vacuoles, the golgi apparatus, the endoplasmic reticulum, people should know all of that. Analyzing myself, I come to the conclusion that stupid people drive me to new heights of rage-induced eloquence for the reason that I believe that people are capable of so much more. In a way, it is a disappointment, and wasted potential. I believe that education can overcome almost anything. Saying you're born stupid is a cop-out and solves nothing. Go out and do something about it!

I'm a lazy bastard, I'll freely admit. I should study more, and apply myself more, I know this. While it may be true that some people have more potential than others, there is no substitute for hard work. Some people really do process information more easily, and can jump to the correct conclusion more quickly. Some people can just see the answer. At risk of sounding arrogant yet again, I think I'm one of those people, but on the lower end. However, there are plenty of people that may have less overall potential that do better than me simply because they work harder. It all came too easily for me in all my education before college, so I never developed study habits. That is, I have none, and I frequently don't study. This also frequently comes back to bite me in the ass, but I don't learn.

God, economy class sucks. I swear it has shrunk from the last time I rode a plane. I barely fit, and I'm not exactly what you'd call a large person. My legs are killing me, and I think I'll go for a stroll, relatively speaking.

Present: 6:18 PM, Japan time

The Keio Plaza Hotel has free internet! This will be my last post for a while, most likely, but it's a big one, so it should keep everyone occupied. My brain is fried, and I have a few fun pictures that I may or may not get a chance to upload. Don't hold your breath.

posted by Eric @ 2:22 AM 0 comments